too much to think

So this is going to be a total girl blog, btw.

I'm not comfortable with being emotional around most people. I won't let myself cry or get upset in front of people, i don't like to talk about my feelings. I'm afraid of getting hurt, letting people in, and not seeming as tough as i'd like to. I am a strong person, and i can take a lot of shit before i break. And no i am not broken because of this, merely cracked for the time being.

Recently i was broken up with by a serious boyfriend. Yes i saw it coming, since we had been fighting a lot lately. Its been two days and i guess i'm feeling alright. I miss having someone to talk to though. yes of course i have my friends and family and other various people to talk to, but theres always something different about having a serious boyfriend or girlfriend to talk about things with. During the day i'm okay, i have people to talk to, classes, work to do, things to keep my mind busy. But its once i'm home, read everything on every possible website that interests me, my phone has stopped ringing for the night, that i actually let myself start to think. Is he feeling the same way right now? Or is he totally fine and happier than before? What did i do wrong? How can he tell me that he'll always love me, but he doesn't want to be with me? And even though he says hes doing this because he doesn't want to hurt me, does he know that hes hurting me more, by doing this, than he ever could?

Hes not the first boy who's told me he loves me, hes in love with me, or wants to spend the rest of our lives together. but he is the first one that i let myself believe. We made plans about what we wanted out of life. It all seemed so possible to me.

I don't exactly miss him, I miss having something to hold on to. I miss being totally comfortable with someone.

And yes i know there are always going to be more guys out there and i'll fall in love all over again and think its so much better than he was. But right now, it hurts, a lot.